[ He could only hope that there was a tiny piece of that man who chose forgiveness in part to resist everything that Maul had come to stand for even as he died; and he could die with just a bit of his claw in one of those many wounds that he'd made. Because that's just the person he was. And so, with great tone of entertainment: ] One could hope.
[ And then a moment, and one more moment longer. ] But I asked. I— asked for it, Ezra. It meant something different then, I think. When death was so near. Now its harder to discern.
I see. [He can't be completely certain that Maul's past and his are from identical timelines but...it tracks. He'd felt something like peace from Maul, as he'd passed into the Force.]
[ That was it. That notion. It was easier for him to die than for him to change and something about what Cobb said struck right into this. His words were heated, full of grit, but not unhinged.] It's not about easy. I— [ He sighed. Oh, but it was. Was not his life hard enough? Could he not be spared this once? No. Clearly not. ]
[ That wretched stone the young Kenobi gave him. He couldn't carry it with him. No, he couldn't. Not yet. Though it was near and. Mh. ] You have felt the darkside, haven't you?
[ There was a point to this. Not, surprisingly, to do the whole you should join us blah blah blah thing. Tempting as that was. Maul truly believed that Ezra belonged not as a Jedi but this wasn't where he was going with it. Not right now, at least. ]
[Ezra's not fussed with the question. He knows he's not invulnerable to temptation - doesn't believe anyone truly is - but he sincerely doubts he's going to be simply be talked around to embracing the Darkside. Not at this point.
It would probably have to be some form of desperation he hasn't experienced yet, he thinks.]
Uh, yes. I took advice from that holocron for months. [Bluntly-] I've killed people with what it taught me, using my anger.
Pity to them. [ A bit amused. He's not going to be upset that lives who likely deserved to be ended were ended. Not when so many Jedi did the same but claimed they didn't. Not the point, this wasn't the point. Alright, to the point. ] And when you did, how did that feel, Ezra? [ Surprising amount of honest curiosity in his voice. ] Compared to what you knew before; what you felt before.
[Not telling him anything he hasn't contemplated at least a little before, Maul.
He has to set aside to ask impulse to ask what Maul knows about neurology and trauma - topics Ezra has only waded into the last year or so, but have been enlightening. A lot of it isn't so different from what his masters taught him, if not using the same words. But sometimes different words are helpful.
This is Maul talking time. Quietly, knowing it's understatement, but could words do it justice?]
That would be a lot to sort through. Beyond what I can personally truly fathom.
[ Nothing, he knows nothing. He wouldn't even know what trauma was unless its blunt force trauma. Pain was good, suffering was good, fear was good, anger was good. Useful tools to sharpen your hatred and fuel your desire to win. Things that were supposed to make you impenetrable and they did, for a small while.
The idea of sorting through anything was so novel it earned a scoff. Yet he doesn't know how to reply... that someone was admitting they didn't know, they couldn't even comprehend it. And many different things came to the tip of his tongue only to stay there. But he couldn't say any of them. They were weak.
Finally: ] Well, don't worry on my account. I'll be fine.
[It's a good thing this is voice only, really, because that means Maul can't see Ezra wrestling with trying not burst out laughing at the absurdity of those two sentences.]
Hmmm, one: I'm a chronic worrier. A flaw of mine I should probably work on at some point.
[ Oop. Alarms ringing. He's been called out on his BS. In comes the armor. ] One of several fatal flaws, to be sure. I do not need to define anything for you, Jedi.
No. It's a suggestion based on fairly simply logical, Maul. You talked about things that seemed clear now being harder to discern. I talked about anger clouding everything. You alluded to that being all you knew.
[Ezra responses quickly - and hopes he won't regret that. He's habitually an early riser, and this could get invovled.]
Ok. So, if your definition of 'fine' is simply...whatever you can endure and live through, well. That's your prerogative.
There's a sort of clarity in that taking that position. Stripping it down to the barest of essentials. But does that reveal anything you haven't learned already? I think we both know you can survive pretty much anything other people throw at you. Yes?
[ Ezra had seen him be "weak" before but he used that truth to manipulate the young man. There was no purpose for such a thing here. Words. Stuck in his throat. He doesn't think that this answer was suppose to elicit pride, but it did. Yes, Maul was very good at surviving. Enduring. The emphasis on other people didn't escape him. ] Good of you to notice.
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[With a touch of humor-] Admittedly, could be a little bit of both. People are rarely just one thing.
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[ And then a moment, and one more moment longer. ] But I asked. I— asked for it, Ezra. It meant something different then, I think. When death was so near. Now its harder to discern.
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Do you regret asking?
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Death feels so final, doesn't it? [Although Jedi don't believe it is completely an end, for good reasons.]
It does make some things easier.
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How about less complicated?
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[ There was a point to this. Not, surprisingly, to do the whole you should join us blah blah blah thing. Tempting as that was. Maul truly believed that Ezra belonged not as a Jedi but this wasn't where he was going with it. Not right now, at least. ]
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It would probably have to be some form of desperation he hasn't experienced yet, he thinks.]
Uh, yes. I took advice from that holocron for months. [Bluntly-] I've killed people with what it taught me, using my anger.
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It digs into you. The anger started to color everything. And if someone called me on it? I got angry at them, too.
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He has to set aside to ask impulse to ask what Maul knows about neurology and trauma - topics Ezra has only waded into the last year or so, but have been enlightening. A lot of it isn't so different from what his masters taught him, if not using the same words. But sometimes different words are helpful.
This is Maul talking time. Quietly, knowing it's understatement, but could words do it justice?]
That would be a lot to sort through. Beyond what I can personally truly fathom.
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The idea of sorting through anything was so novel it earned a scoff. Yet he doesn't know how to reply... that someone was admitting they didn't know, they couldn't even comprehend it. And many different things came to the tip of his tongue only to stay there. But he couldn't say any of them. They were weak.
Finally: ] Well, don't worry on my account. I'll be fine.
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Hmmm, one: I'm a chronic worrier. A flaw of mine I should probably work on at some point.
Two: Wanna take a stab at defining 'fine' for me?
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Alright.
Maybe consider giving thought to your definition, for your own sake?
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Is more clarity something you seek?
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Ok. So, if your definition of 'fine' is simply...whatever you can endure and live through, well. That's your prerogative.
There's a sort of clarity in that taking that position. Stripping it down to the barest of essentials. But does that reveal anything you haven't learned already? I think we both know you can survive pretty much anything other people throw at you. Yes?
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But it's a narrow sort of clarity. In my experience, very easy for that to become...'this is all there is'.
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But if that blinds you to everything else...is that the sort of clarity you want, here and now?
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